Fuckin' memory

How do u feel when u think u have no more feeling towards something that u intend to forget. How do u feel when the thought have failing u. That in reality u still have the feeling. The feeling u hate, the feeling u despise. How to erase it, how to diminish it, and how to forget about it. Not knowing how is a very painful condition. The contradiction is killing me. The feeling is eating me piece by piece. The pain of unable to fulfill is crutching me. How the hell am I going to forget about u if u keep flashing before my eyes. Am I suppose to hate u? But u don't have anything for me to hate. But u don't have anything that I wouldn't like. How am I suppose to erase those feeling that keep bubbling up whenever I see u. SHIT!!!!!!

Great Weekend

I had a great weekend, i had a chance to sleep all day long and read Harry Potter in between....cool.....nothing can disturbed me, my phone was went off (deliberately) and i only made one trip to groceries in those 3 beautiful days......what a paradise, can't complaint that there's nothing good in life huh, this is one of them.

i'm looking forward for another long weekend in the future. and i still have some books waiting for me for those lovely days.

Dang I'm really stupid

I really think my brain goes slower than I thought before. I kept saying things that differ with what I thought and I don't know how to control it. For example, my friend asked me on the method to do the questioner so we can have the quantitative result, and what I said to him is nor the answer of his question. I began to worry, perhaps my age started to work on my vitality......

NO WAY....

I don't want to be a useless human being, I want to use my brain accordingly and I really do want to fix some problem in the world, not to make peace of course, I'll that task to those beauty pageant....I'll just do simpler task such as to open working opportunity for jobless. I guess that will help reduce some cases of poverty. Big dream? yeah, I guess so, coz I've been that kinda life, and it's really sucks coz without any income, the life of the family member will get no further than the starting points. Sad huh? And I even haven't got to the lower level yet, hopefully will not ever, but the fact that many families in Jakarta are in the very poor condition is quite a concern. How will the future those family must face? the condition will get worse if there is no improvement on job opportunities, if the initiative becoming scarce in the future because of lesser people can achieve higher education with high quality. At some point, I think the government has to make a big step in enhancing the opportunity for people to get higher education because if the government just let this matter onto the hands of the people (which is limited to the bad financial condition they have) then I guess we can only wait the next revolution to struck by hungry and poor people. Welfare is what all citizens want and if they can't get that than it possible they will have it their way (harsh way) in order to get it.

Early Bird

Basically, I'm not a morning person. If I could sleep all day I would do just that. My daily sleep ranged from 6-10 hrs per day, some of my friends thought that it's baby's sleep and that I don't need sleep that much.

But I can't work soberly if I don't have enough sleep, it's just like a hangover and the same result goes to the lack of sleep. Last night, I went to bed around 12 because I watched The Mummy Returns (a film that I can watch over and over again), because of it I woke up this morning with a bad feeling. I have to force my self to sit so I wont get back to sleep again (and that was after 3 alarm ringing one after another). That was a hard task to do, wake up when you didn't feel like to. Sigh, perhaps I need someone to wake me up with a kiss, so even I have less sleep I wouldn't mind waking up to kiss (it's a dream since no matter who wake me up whenever I had the urge to sleep blissfully I would kick whoever dare to touch me....so forget about that kiss).

Kay, I have to work now, the sooner today's work is finish the sooner I'll get to meet my lovely pillow....aaaahhhhhh...............

*hopefully I won't doze off during the session...hehehehe

HOW TO HANDLE CONFLICT?

I sorta in a fight with a friend, 'sorta' means that I just had this attitude to ignore her whenever we're in the same room. She is a spoiled brat all this time but I thought she wouldn't brought that attitude to me, 'her freaking closed friend' according to her word, but at one time, actually this is a little bit embarassing, becausewe had a fight over a simple matter. I asked for a new bill when she wanted to pay up money she owed me, I never know why she suddenly had the attitude, she stated whether I wnated the payment or she wouldn't pay me because she doesn't has the new bill. I said to her that I would wait until she has the new bill, and it doesn't matter. But she persisted on paying me with that old bill. Actually, the bill doesn't matter to me, but the way she threaten me is what I disliked, so I sticked to my will.

And the next day, she paid up with the new bill with saying that the bill she gave me not exactly the fresh money and she kinda mocked me that I took the money anyway. Hell, such a bitch she became. Never I expected her behavior could get this worse. I could never know what's in the human's mind and the secret behind her. Afterward, I try to control my anger and try to smile at her while passing her at the laundry room, and guess what, she's pretend not seeing me and just pass me by without any gesture of friendship. Damn. I am a person with a stubborn head and with a great deal of ignorance, when people treat me good, and I'll treat them even better, but if people treat me bad and I'll treat them worse.

Who the fuck are u anyway, I don't get my daily food from you, and I don't have any dependency on you, why the fuck I have to bother. But, yesterday she put a card on my door saying that she doen't know how to deal with conflict and wonder if she can talk to me about this. Gaaahhhh.......shitheads.......

I don't deal with conflict any better than her, but I always take good care my behavior and words toward other people especially to my friends, she should learn that the world doesn't revolve around her, that's why one should control his behavior and words if they want to have their friendship lasts.

Guess I have to talk to her. Hopefully she would talk without the brat.

Love Hurts?????

Love, is one shitty feelin' from all the feelin's that I would like to experience lastly. It's really depressing when I have to encounter this feeling before the opposite sex, because the stress is doubled. I would worry about his feeling toward me, I would worry on my words and my appearance. Depressing as hell, umm...nope, perhaps hell is better.

That's how I feel rite now. I love a man, don't know how it happened, I just like him. The feeling grows everyday I met him. He already showed the signs that he doesn't have any interest in me but friendship. But I keep hoping that he will return my affection, and I can't kill this emotion that bubbled everytime I talk to him, everytime I see his eyes. Gawd, how stupid of me......

Buuuut.....still, I like him, I like his smile, I like his touch, I like the way he look at me. Pheeeewwwhhh......somebody help me......

TWO WEEKS FULL OF INFORMATION

Sometime I wonder how our brain manage informations that come to us, sometimes the information comes in the tidbit forms. Well, the last two weeks I've spend time in a hotel, participating in two workshops which went on like rally. In the first workshop I was able to responding with full attention and curiousity, but in the second week I was slowing down, I hardly respond to the issue in the sessions. When I told my friend about this, he said that perhaps there were too many information stucked up into our brain. I don't know whether it's true or not, but what I know is I almost fed up, I need time to digest the whole thing before I can move on and use the information within my head.

Couldn't believe it

Sometime in last week, I got this feeling that I shouldn't feel anymore. It's supposed to never come up again. Even I got confused why I got that feeling, am I lost my mind? Am I forgetting already? Am I willing to go through the same path again? Shit......

Love Poem

To everything which sing my soul
Carry my voice and tell him
I love him

To everything that travels
Bring my love
And place it in his hands

For I just a half
With him I'll become one

(One boring afternoon in the middle of pile of works)

My answer

This is the answer from my previous post: the confusion between two handsome men

Kyo

Vivre, ce n’est pas quelque chose de propre. C’est pour ça que c’est intéressant!
(Samurai Deeper Kyo The 306 Chapter-French Translation)

A Wolf Cry

A howl from the wolf in the silent night
Embracing the leaves in sadness
A calling for help, a cry for answer
A vow of bonds that got broken

In the middle of starlights
With the weeping of the wind
A solitude that come within
Without whisper to heal the wounds

Moon and stars, shining so bright
Bring the light, bring the warmth
In the serenity of the night
Drown in the tranquility of the darkness

(July 30, 2006)

The Mangas I Love

Here are some mangas that I love the most:
1. Natane (the title in Japanese is Niji Iro Togarashi) by Mitsuru Adachi (love all of his works)
2. Rough (it hasn't release in Indonesia but already have some its scanlations) by Adachi
3. Bleach by Kubo Tito (great work, love the humor in this manga)
4. Samurai Deeper Kyo by Kamijyo Akimine (also love the humor, great characters & story line)
5. Kocchi Muite Miiko by Ono Eriko (cute characters and romantic love story)
6. All Kyoko Hikawa's works: Chizumi & Fujiomi, Miriam and From Far Away, etc.

Why I love Mitsuru Adachi?

I love all Mitsuru Adachi's works. All of his works is very good, although the drawing of the characters are very similar in all his manga. I recognize 7 similar drawings: the girl (usually the leading role whether there are one or two leading role), the boy (shinichi, yamato, tatsuya, kunimi, takasugi), the fat boy (usually plays the role of bestfriend), the good looking boy (usually become the love rival of the leading role boy), the dog/cat (either it's a dog or a cat, the pet usually has the same face), the dad (it's very rare that Adachi would draw a fat dad, the dads in his work usually have a very nice figure), the other boy (usually play as the bad, usually has a high cheekbones and glinting eyes).

Another reason why I love Adachi is his love story that usually hidden under the words and gesture of the characters in his works. I haven't found the word 'love' spoken between the characters that were in love. He is the master in arranging romantic situation in his manga without have to spell the word of love or dramatize it in the way of chick manga does. He also capable in building up the culminating point of the story line without losing any chain of the frames.

But, I admit that very few can understand the Adachi's works. Once, a friend of mine got curious watching me laughing while reading one of Adachi's works, and she borrowed the manga. After she read the manga, she returned it and said that she didn't find anything funny in the manga, and wondered what makes me laugh at the time she saw me. I tried to explain it to her about the funny part, but she still can't grab it.

Anyway, I still love Adachi the most compared to other. But I'm very sorry that not all Adachi's works were release in Indonesia.

Hmmmm...confused between two choices

Which one I like the most? This is a trivia quiz for those who know me, let me know okay?
There will be a prize for the right answer, I haven't thought about it but i'll let you know.

Whoaaaaaa....my poor brain

A research once said that human brain used in maximum 1% from the whole capacity of the brain itself. Is it true? Who knows. But, one thing I'm sure of that right now I'm going for that 1%......I felt wrecked inside my head, if in one day you have to racked your brain into maybe 20 different ways, it's hurt alright.....but hey, I'm still alive.

Geez.....I'd like to bang my head to the wall right now if I didn't know that the result is becoming senile. I don't want to complain too much actually, but if I could buy a BMW that worth this headache then maybe I wouldn't complain so much ^_^

I should think more seriously about getting a vacation after all this....but hey can't do that coz I will have a busy semester after this suppose-to-be-vacation-months.

Damn...damn....damn....Baliiiii......beaches.....byebye......

BRAIN vs. WISDOM

I had another experience yesterday. Another senior came to me and threw his rage over my face and in addtition to that was my failure to identify him as my senior (hey was it my fault if I'm never taken his class in my study in lawschool, is it very important to recognize his damned face? Damn). Okaaayyyyy.....he is my senior (although never met him before), but his behavior doesn't reflect his 60 years living in this world.

I'm trying to get wisdom here (as if it lying on the street or something....) but he with all of his ages seemed doesn't accomplish a single thing. I'll bet he is a brat in his youth. Damn all brat especially the rich brat, another damn goes to the street brat.

Geez..... anyway today I had fun with my eyes, this one guy had a presentation for his mini thesis and he is very cute, makes I'm wondering on how happy God must be when creating him. Pfffffttt.........

My Funny Friend

I have this friend of mine, who's funny as a clown, can't stop laughing when I'm hang out with him. Hilarious, caring and gentleman. All the qualities I admire from a man. He is a very dear friend of mine, but it's been many years since my last meeting. When I'm calling to meet him, either I'm busy or he's busy, and I'm sorry for that. I remember when we're in some activities together, how we shared our feelings, how we had our fun, how we worked our difficulties in the tasks.

Ohhhhh....I miss u my friend and I keep reading your bulletins in Friendster, and those were very funny. I'm wishing for the very best for you (wishing u have girlfriend that will become your wife and wishing the girl loving you so much that will make you a very happy man).....muuuuaaaaccchhhh

Love Lyric

I only wanna be the man
to give you everything I can
every day and every night
love you for all my life.
I don't wanna change the world
as long as you're my girl
it's more than enough,
just to be the man you love.

This lyric is my favorite song right now, if only I could have a man like this......ahhhh...where are you dear, I'm wishing the moment when we'll meet.

BITTERNESS AND REVENGE

I have the bitterness feeling for this one person, nevermind the cause coz I won't tell. And I never have any idea of revenge in my mind. After the bitterness occurred we never met anymore, either I'm avoiding that person or the otherwise around.

But now, that person contacted me yesterday asking for a meeting. The bitterness rising up again in my throat. I had the urge to get even. But still the urge is not increasing each time I think about it. I rather avoiding that person, dislikes the very idea of meeting the person. Coz we would think back of the past leave behind us. Perhaps that person will appoligize but still who knows?

Another point is I never want to experience the discomfort and the sadness that came a long with our relationship. Yeah, person does change, but how do I know that the person would, I won't till I meet that person. I wouldn't risking my chances here. let bygone be bygone, and we will go through different pathways, we shall never meet again, we shall never have any relationship whatsoever. That's it, enough is enough.

PISSED!!!

Damned...

I'm pissing right now. A certain person thinks that me and my decision only troubling her with no important matter. Hell, I did't asked her to do something outside her area of duty. If she already has a policy just stick with it and I'll deal with the rest.

But...NOOOOOOO.....she had to say beforehand that she will not do nothing about it and judge me that I haven't coordinate with her first for my policy. Well, if she already has policy then I expect her to stick with it and I'll stick with mine. If she wouldn't do anything about it then don't questioning mine. I hate that. Who do you think you are, are you helping me in my tasks?

Second thought, it is a good chance for me to get out from this job. Never like it anyway.